Like many of you, this is my 537th attempt at creating a successful blog. By successful, I really just mean being consistent because throughout all the years I’ve written anything for the world to see, my guess would be that not even a handful of people have seen it – and that’s not necessarily my point anyhow. If somewhere along the way someone finds what I have to say interesting or helpful, I would be flattered. Until then, I’m content virtually writing for myself.
I am 22. I figured I would throw that out there now since most short encounters I have with anyone tend to raise the level of curiosity people have with how old I am. Maybe it’s my face, maybe it’s my state of life, or my beliefs – whatever it may be, wonder no more. I used to take offense to it – mainly because people would treat me like the child or brainless individual they assumed I was. But another year passed, and as they fly by, my tendency not to mind what doesn’t matter grew, and I become happier.
A lot has happened within the past month and a half. I got married, I moved states, I adopted a dog, my car got totaled, I have yet to find a career in this small town that supports my degree, and I’m dealing with an overwhelming amount of anxiety. I think a lot, it’s in my nature. I’ve fortunately come a long way from my negative thinking self and can truthfully say that I try every day to just… well, not be that way. All the cliches that are so damn annoying are only so damn annoying because they’re kind of true. Being a pessimist never hurt anyone but myself. No matter how hard I thought about someone falling into a ditch, it never happened. So, my point is that there’s no point for that type of attitude. By now, my fellow anxiety sufferers are probably thinking ‘you can’t just be positive or level headed when you have anxiety’. You’re right, most of the time you can’t, and pretty much all of the time it’s really hard. But, the mind is a powerful thing and it’s something I try to remember regardless of how fucked up I think it is. When I can think straight during a panic attack, I realize that my brain and the messed up signals and chemical imbalances are causing emotion to become physical to the 10th degree, and I also realize that like attracts like. So if I’m going to dig my heals in and pray that a lightning bolt strikes me so I don’t have to be in what feels like a never ending vortex of death and emotion, then I should expect that shit to come full force. Or I could just try to help myself out in any possible way I know how. Easier said than done, like any conscious decision a person can make.
Since July 2nd, I’ve been searching high and low for some reasoning as to why people say the first year of marriage is the worst or the hardest. I love my husband so much I could cry just thinking about it. It’s annoying how he leaves his clothes all over the floor and kicks me in his sleep, but honestly, does any of that petty nonsense matter ? And if it does, please ask yourself why, and then get back to me because I’m genuinely intrigued. You don’t marry someone because they’re ‘perfect’, and you sure don’t marry someone and expect that they’re going to become perfect when they were a bag of shit before. The decision whether or not you love the person more than you’re bothered by their quirks is a huge part of the foundation in your relationship. Needless to say, I feel extremely lucky and that is something I always want to keep in the forefront of my mind.
There are a few other things I mentioned in this writing that I will have to get to another time because I don’t necessarily feel like posting a short novel anytime soon, so I will leave you with some pictures and save the rest for another time.