That Thing No One Wants To Talk About

Depression. If you didn’t back out of this post, thank you. I am currently trying to write this while having a panic attack and it’s extremely hard for me not to get up and sit in front of a fan or lay on a bunch of ice packs because being cold somehow shocks me back to reality if I can catch it soon enough. Sometimes I get lucky and only experience anxiety by itself, but for some reason, depression tends to tag along in most cases now. Ever since I had to move away from my family after being married, my anxiety hasn’t been worse – it’s just been different, and a lot more frequent. In a moment of clarity, I try to give myself some credit and tell myself that this is probably just because so much has happened in such a short amount of time. My whole life has changed in less than two months, and as much as it is good, stress is stress. I love my husband with all my heart, I love where I live, I love my home, and my dog. I truly do. All of that sounds so positive, but It’s like that is what makes me feel depressed when I’m having active anxiety. I get this overwhelming feeling of shame and guilt because I know how blessed I am and I just wonder how someone as amazing as my husband could love someone like me. I wonder why I am so lucky to have what I do when someone who doesn’t have the trouble of anxiety may have much worse circumstances. I realize that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense because what you do and don’t have could never define who you are. I just get this feeling that anxiety sometimes consumes who I am in those moments. I hear a lot more now about how people have ‘anxiety’, and as much as I don’t want to assume things, I could guess that a majority of those people think that having anxiety is a trend like being gluten intolerant. Newsflash, it’s not cute or fun. I get so frustrated and sad because this is a genetic thing, I was born with it and I can’t wish it away as much as I may try to. I wonder, why me? It skipped my brother, so WHY ME? What did I do? I know that sounds so childish, but that’s the truth about what goes on in my mind sometimes. I go from anxious to scared to sad to frustrated to mad. Being mad is what sticks with me the longest which just kicks my ass because it’s not in my nature to be angry like that. It pains me to know that when I am anxious I’m unable to give the people I love what they deserve because I can’t even control my own mind or emotions. So please tell me why anyone would want that. It doesn’t last for very long, but it feels like hours and days which is not something I want to drag anyone through.

I never was someone who cried much unless I had really strong feelings about something, but for some reason that’s all I want to do when I get anxiety now. It almost feels like that’s all I can do. I sit there debilitated in front of a fan trembling, crying, closing my eyes, and praying this feeling will go away. It’s embarrassing. Before I got married I figured it would be so easy to hide things like this, what a joke. I don’t like to show this side of myself mostly in order to protect anyone around me, but also to protect myself from feeling even worse about myself. So many things run through my mind and I question if I’ll ever be able to stop. It’s actually physically exhausting, I don’t know how – but it is. This post is a lot longer than I ever thought it would be, and I don’t remember what my point was, but I’m sure it won’t be the last. As much as anxiety and depression sucks, if you have it – try not to be ashamed. In the moment it may feel like it defines you and consumes you, but it doesn’t. You’re given what you’re given for a reason even if it’s not apparent what the reason is.

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