I’m opening my blog up and writing to just see what comes out right now. Im not sure what my purpose is or how to get what’s going through my head in order, so I figured I would try this.
If I can recall correctly, I felt somewhere between lost and fine before I got pregnant. So I don’t think this is just another thing to blame on pregnancy. I’m not lost when it comes to my family or my every day life, I love my husband, our home, our life together – I feel like maybe I’m just lost when I think about myself as an individual. And I know I know, how can you be happy if you’re not happy with yourself blah blah blah, I think it goes a little beyond that though. I’m a pretty grounded person when it comes to knowing what I want and where I stand and I guess this is why it’s so confusing to me because I haven’t felt lost like this since I was a lot younger.
I can’t see where my outlet in life is and as we all probably know, when you have no outlet things tend to build up and that’s how you get confused and get in shit moods. So I guess that’s exactly what I’m saying. I don’t know really what my purpose is or what I’m doing other than being a wife, growing a baby in my body, and working a job that I hate. I love being a wife, I love my son… I hate my job but I’m coming to terms that that will pretty much never be different for a while. It’s just that outside of those things what am I doing …? I’m not doing anything that’s enriching my life or making me happy and that’s partially because I have no idea what to do. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have an actual friend and I feel like maybe I’ve dug myself so far down when it comes to being alone and there’s no one who would even care to pull me back out and get me to snap out of it. And yes, I have my husband but if you honestly think that one of your girlfriend’s and your friendship is the same as a marriage, then… idk what to tell you. My husband is a friend to me in a way that no other person on earth could be to me and he’s also a lot more. Friends are just different. Not less important, just different. I don’t feel like I need to explain that and hopefully I don’t.
I remember being in school and there were just crowds of people and it honestly meant nothing to me. I had no connection no nothing to them, but they were always there. It’s like the same thing living where I do. There’s a bunch of people but I couldn’t feel any more disconnected from them than I already do. Maybe it’s not people I want or need to help me out of this and rediscover what the hell im actually doing here, maybe it’s a hobby or just something I need to find within myself somehow. I don’t know what I need and I somewhat don’t even know what I want besides to not feel like this anymore.
I’m going home in two weeks and I’m so curious to see how that’s going to affect me. I’m guessing I’ll probably feel like myself again and feel like I actually belong there, but who knows. Right now I feel like I’m just floating out in space not really going anywhere, just kinda doing what I have to do and watching the rest of times just kind of go by.
I’m sure my unconscious mind may be messing with me and maybe I feel so detached from myself because this baby basically owns my body now and that consumes a lot of my thought space. I truly don’t know. What I do know is that I’m not depressed and I’m not overly happy either, I’m just here.