Over the many years I’ve been writing, I’ve learned to not always write in the heat of anger or sadness or even happiness just because once that fire dims down maybe my opinion will be different or the situation may have changed. But on the other hand, sometimes I can’t get past things if I don’t express myself. If I end up looking back on it and wondering why I was acting so crazy then so be it. I’m sure we all go through this, maybe I’m just one of the few who actually writes it down.
So right now I’m going to try to be as logical as I can be, but honestly – I’m pissed off.
I’m leaving Montana in 8 days to fly back home and visit all of my family before I have my son. Beside what I am going to tell you now, I am beyond excited to see my family and I seriously cannot wait. I will be there for 10 days and I am praying for a laid back time. But – there are a couple people in my indirect family who are already making me feel hesitant before I even get there. When you get married, you get your spouse’s family as well and boy do I love my husband’s family. They are a lot different than mine which is just how life goes, you roll with it. What I can’t roll with is someone trying to guilt trip me or make themselves the victim constantly. I am not in a position where I should be expected to constantly reach out to his family, but do I ? Yes. I am so soft that I don’t want to make anyone in my family feel like they’re not loved or included, so when I go out of my way and someone still complains – I’m set off. So let’s get to the point here, I am 6 months pregnant and this entire time – I’ve known that I was not going to / didn’t care to have a baby shower. I’ve voiced this and made it clear that it’s just not something I want – but of course someone guilt tripped me into having one. So in my mind I’m like , alright well it’s not that bad I guess, if it makes her happy to throw one then have at it.
Seeing as though I did not want one, I chose to only invite 3 people because it’s so last minute and my family has already done more than enough for me, my son, and my husband. One of those 3 people now feels the need to invite someone else because I’m assuming they think it’s going to be boring or awkward – so great you can think that. But do you realize how this comes off to me? Or how maybe it might hurt my feelings? If I’m being put into a situation that I didn’t necessarily want or even ask for and I’m choosing to just say fuck it and invite the few people who are special to me that I want to be there, I’m not inviting you so that you can invite entertainment for yourself and not be involved when I AM GOING TO BE THERE. Talk to me, hang out with me. Sometimes we just have to grow up – hence me going with the flow on something I did not want. A couple hours out of your life for someone else won’t kill you.
At this point I would be content just sitting at home with my parents and not seeing anyone else because I feel like it will just be a hassle and that wasn’t the purpose of me coming out there.