I opened up my dashboard to look at when the last time I posted something was. It has been 10 days, and in those 10 days it has felt like a month. That seems to be the pattern of my lifeout here in Montana. I’ve lived here for not even 2 months and so much has happened. The reason this week felt like a month is thanks once again to my anxiety. Anxiety is such a confusing little devil … I can understand triggers – but what kills me is how severe, exhausting, and scary my anxiety is when there really isn’t a prevalent trigger at all. The only emotional issue that I have and am able to pinpoint would be the sadness I feel after being separated from my family since moving. I could cry like a baby about it when it really weighs on me, but I’m logical enough to realize that the distance will not be forever. In the brief moments of clarity that I have are spent in fear because I wonder when it’s going to happen again.
When I have anxiety I think deep and in a voice that doesn’t sound like me. Not in a schizophrenic way by any means, it’s just not me. I become someone who is scared , panicked, tired, and ready to give up. As I’m writing this I’m wondering why I even bother because it feels like no one on this planet understands me. How could anyone when I don’t really understand myself sometimes. What I do know is that for someone who is normally so self assured, it’s very hard to feel this way. In a way it’s embarrassing and maybe I’m too hard on myself. It’s like being in an argument with your own brain and no one wins.